Fuck It

I spent my teenage years rushing to become a adult. I couldn’t wait to vote, couldn’t wait to be able to “legally” drink. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the shit when my voters registration card finally came in the mail. I was grown! I thought I was doing something when I pulled my drivers license out in a club and was able to drink.

My twenties were a blur of trying to figure everything out. I was arrogantly ignorant; the perfect oxymoron. At 22 I had a child yet I hadn’t even mastered how to keep my pantie liners straightened correctly. Didn’t know my ass from my elbows!
By 24 I was a Mommy and a Officer. Responsibility, Responsibility and MORE RESPONSIBILITY. I spent years juggling 8 to 16 hour shifts, trying to figure out who the hell I was and trying to teach another human being who they should aspire to be. I spent a lot (too much) of my time looking for love. I wanted someone to be there for me. I wanted a husband. I remember telling a good friend of mine that I couldn’t wait to become a wife. She had been a friend of mine since High School she knew me, probably a lot better than I knew myself.

“Hope you’re not ready to be a wife”, she told me while laughing.

Who the fuck was she?
The nerve of this bitch to tell me what I am not ready for!
I was heated, but I kept my thoughts to myself because deep down inside a part of me knew she was right. I didn’t know exactly why she was right but I knew her words had merit.

Years go by… I’m in and out of relationships, my son gets older, work get a little bit easier. I’m still just as confused but at this point I’m honest and bold enough to admit it.
I would look myself in the mirror every night before I went to work (when ever I did go to work) and wonder when all of this shuffling around would make some sense. Is this what life is about? There has to be something bigger than this. Things will be different when I’m married (I didn’t even have a man)but I was still holding on to that white picket fence and prince charming dream.

Couple more years go by… My body is beat up, spirit is diminished, heart on E. Now I wear a mask. My mask is my protection. I wear it when I go to work, I wear it when I go on dates, I even wear it when I’m tired and I have to show up for open school night.
Why didn’t anyone warn me wearing that FAKE mask only stopped me from discovering the true me?

At this point I was dating and dealing with guys that were no good for me. My gut would warn me but my heart had it’s own agenda. I know he’s lying, I know when he say’s that he loves me that it’s not the truth. I know that there are other women because the knots in my stomach which keep me up all night tell me so. Yet still I stayed, endured, sold myself out until finally the day came when I could endure no more.

This is the period in my life when I discovered that I had always had wings! I discovered my true beauty; It came from my strength,from my mistakes,my tears.
Vulnerability made me powerful!
Finally it was Okay to admit, “I don’t know what the fuck I am doing”.

Here’s where the fun starts. When you reach the point of life where you are at “Fuck it”, a part of you becomes free. You start to do things for YOU now. You go against the grain, go against what every one else thinks you should be doing. Hell you even go against the things you told yourself you should never think or do. I started to dig deep inside of myself. Started asking myself the important questions.

What do I like to do? What will make me happy? What do I want out of life? What is my purpose? Started turning down those dates and spending time in bed curled up reading “How to books”. Found a therapist, found a church, discovered some more of ME!

Just when I about to burn my bras and light up the night and truly become free HE walks into the door.

LOVE had found me.
Love found me when I my knees were bad, when I could barely walk. Love found me when I truly embraced loving myself. HE had done what most were afraid to do, he allowed me to simply be me. When I am at my worst, when I am in my feelings and in complete bitch mode he gives me my space but lovingly stands firm and will correct me.

I am often asked, “When is the wedding?” The thought of marriage for me at this point terrifies me. I still am on a this journey of finding me. I LIKE THIS JOURNEY!
I think a true union of love and marriage is a beautiful thing when the timing is right. I love to see LOVE. I love going to weddings. I’m just at a point in life where I am far from ready to have one of my own.

It feels amazing to have someone by your side that loves and supports but my greatest joy has come from self-discovery.

So do me a favor, please stop rushing me. Allow me to burn a few bras and cross a couple of oceans. Allow me to relish in the freedom of saying “Fuck it”.
Allow me to relish in me.